A neutron walked into a bar and asked, “How much for a drink?” The bartender replied, “For you, no charge.”
How many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.
Why can’t you trust an atom?
Answer: They make up everything
A photon checks into a hotel. The bellhop asks, “Can I help you with your luggage?” The photon replies, “I don’t have any. I’m traveling light!”
What did one uranium-238 nucleus say to the other?
Answer: “Gotta split!”
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on this side of the road.
A hydrogen atom lost its electron and went to the police station to file a missing electron report. He was questioned by the police: "Haven't you just misplaced it somewhere? Are you sure that your electron is really lost?"
"I'm positive." replied the atom.
A theory is something nobody believes, except the person who made it.
An experiment is something everybody believes, except the person who made it.
How do you know that the driver driving toward you is a physicist?
He has a red sticker on his bumper, saying: "If this sticker is blue, you are driving too fast."
After Receiving an Invitation to a Physicists' Ball:
Volta was electrified and Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.
Ampère was worried he wasn't up on current research.
Ohm resisted the idea at first.
Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
Hertz promised that in the future he will attend with greater frequency.
Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.
Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
Born thought the probability of enjoying himself is pretty high.
Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
Heisenberg was uncertain whether he could make it.
Schrödinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space in his schedule.
How many physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
Eleven. One to do it and ten to co-author the paper.
How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, astronomers prefer the dark.
How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.
Two physicists are are in Victoria's Secret when an extremely attractive sales girl approaches them and asks, "Can I help you?".
One physicist looks at the other and says, "No thanks. We're just collapsing wave functions."
A well known physicist (I will not give out his name) worked at CERN in Geneva, Swiss.
One day his wife said: "You spend most of your time at work, I want you to take a day off so we can go downtown and do some shopping."
Well, they went downtown, and his wife asked him to wait for about an hour while she went to the hairdresser. He was sitting at a sidewalk café having a cup of coffee, when a car stopped right there with a flat tire. A young, very attractive woman got out to look at it. Of course our physicist offered his help, and he jacked up the car and changed the wheel. After it was fixed, the young woman thanked him and said: "I live close to here, come up to my apartment and wash your hands."
He went with her, and of course one thing led to another. After a couple of hours he realized how late it was. "God, my wife must be waiting for me. Have you got some flour in the kitchen?"
He dusted a little flour on his sleeves and went to meet his wife. He explained exactly what had happened, but she looked him straight in the eyes and said:
"You are a damn liar, I can see you have been over at CERN and work on one of your problems on the blackboard, I can see the chalk dust on your sleeves!"
Which shows that it takes a nuclear physicist and not a psychologist to really understand women.